Tag Archives: Zyprexa
Recently I’ve been switching between lows and highs within the one day. I’ve had Mixed State episodes a number of times where I can be hypomanic yet crying but this time I’m ultradian cycling. Ultradian cycling is where you experience multiple mood swings in one day. It is not officially recognised in the DSM-IV yet most psychiatrists acknowledge that it exists. In my case I’ve been depressed on waking, hypomanic by lunchtime, depressed in the afternoon and hypomanic again late at night. It is exhausting and it is interfering with my life so much.
I’m frustrated, really bloody frustrated!
Firstly because I’ve been horribly depressed since my flying-so-high-I’m-fantastic mania. Damn medication is not working and I’m so sick of trying to drag myself out of bed each day just to do nothing because my motivation level is at zero. My concentration is crap and my memory is stuffed; all I want to do is cry and hide away. I’m on auto-pilot when I have to do anything and my smiley face facade is in place so that I don’t drag others down. Feeling useless, hopeless and helpless. Whinge, whinge, moan, moan.
My second reason for being frustrated and even more depressed is that I weighed-in with my GP this morning (after a cry because she asked me how I am) and I have put on two kilos in two weeks :( I had been losing a steady two kilos at each weigh-in which was great after the massive weight gain on the evil (to me) Zyprexa but my psych re-prescibed Zyprexa after my manic episode and my fat cells obviously love the stuff. What a vicious circle I’m stuck in.
I can’t write more today. I know I should be exercising but I’m going to crawl back into bed and close my eyes to the despair I’m feeling. Psych appointment tomorrow.
There is a new poem on poetry two
OMG, what a week! I went into a really bad mixed affective state! Crazy, crazy, crazy bipolar woman.
One the first day I was flying high as a kite, the bouncing off the walls experience of hypomania. I remember that everything was hilariously funny and I was laughing at things that were probably only mildly amusing, if that. I was alone too, so no one was triggering my hilarity. I laughed until I was breathless and nearly vomiting. Next I was rushing around the house doing seven things at once (achieving nothing in the chaos) and swearing my head off. I’ve got nothing against swearing but I was spewing out vile phrases I’d never normally use and loudly expressing socially unacceptable views that I don’t even hold! I know what I was saying because while in this state (like something out of “The Exorcist”) I obviously thought it was very clever to write down all my thoughts … ?? … what, for the novel lurking inside me? Yeah right, some bestseller that would be full of my incoherent, psychotic, totally out of touch with reality, evil expulsions.
What a crap month December was.
First was the stress of my husband’s heart surgery. This went well although he was not the greatest patient. I have such admiration for nursing staff who have to deal with argumentative people who are in a morphine haze.
Next came a big change in my mood. Instead of being permanently low, I started to wind up to elevated states only to crash back down again into the depths of despair. The agitation and anxiety were at an all time high as well. This has been happening for three weeks, A lovely mixed affective state, whoopee! It is horrible and I’d rather be depressed than go though this,
The Pdoc wanted me in hospital for Christmas. I said, “you have to be joking, I’ve committments that I can’t avoid”. The compromise is that he is ringing me every second day. He still keeps mentioning that I’d be better off in hospital to have them titrate the meds but I’m avoiding going. Even tonight when he rang he said I should go to hospital if I feel worse but he’ll ring me in the morning.
I’m feeling so bad because I was already entering a mixed state (brought on by Effexor according to my psychiatrist) and then the GP gave me prednisone for some nasty insect bites. That threw me well and truly into la-la land.
The result is that I have been taken off all antidepessants because of their paradoxical effect. A couple of other meds have been ceased too so basically I’m taking Epilim, Zyprexa, and Rivotril and Serenace PRN
Meanwhile I feel like shit. My sleep is so bad that I’m just able to grab a couple of hours here and there. Oh and I have the lovely Restless Legs thing going on and my lymphoedema is swelling up again despite my stockings.
If 2011 isn’t any better, well …
Well, my medication has changed once again! Now I’m off Pristiq and back on to Effexor XR. I’m taking 225mg and, fortunately, it hasn’t sent me spiralling up into mania as it did the last time. I wonder why that is? Possibly because I’m also on Zyprexa which is keeping it under control. I think that it may be working because I’m able to get up in the morning and actually do something! The side-effects I’m having are a very dry mouth, some nausea and shaking hands but I hope those will settle.
While the new med has made a difference to the debilitating depression it hasn’t made any difference to the feeling of emptiness and the “hole” inside me. My psych said last session that this is due to a different problem… my Borderline Personality Disorder which occurs because of trauma. The trauma doesn’t have to be physical it can be an emotional trauma, usually as a child or young person. The meds will help with this but I need to continue with psychotherapy to work on the issue. I can remember him saying this when I began therapy and then he said that the depression (or mania) needs to be controlled before I can work on it effectively. It is this disorder that leads me to dissociate and self-harm so I really do want to learn more about it and try to bring it under my control.
I have also added some more poems to the poetry page