I’m off the Seroquel XR because I had terrible nausea and was like a zombie all the time. It is hard to say whether this was only the effect of the medication or whether I also had a virus at the time. Whatever the cause Seroquel has, for the time being, been removed from my cocktail.
Because the medication change did not work ECT is back on the agenda. I’m still very unsure about this. My psychiatrist has also suggested Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) , however, everything I have read about it says that it is not that effective. The improvement in mood seems to be short lasting considering treatment is 5 times a week for 4-6 weeks. Also, the long term effects of applying magnetic stimulation to the brain are not yet known.
At the moment I am having some days when I can function quite well but mostly I am feeling dead inside and just want to sleep. I try not to sleep in the day so that I can get quality sleep at night, so I end up sitting at my desk spending a lot of time looking out the window and feeling like I can’t move.
I am not motivated to do anything or go anywhere. Being with people is a strain because I have to “keep up appearances” Plus I now have the added problem of wondering how soon it will be before someone asks me about my new scar on my wrist where the five suture marks can still be seen. How am I going to explain that a cut on the wrist DOES NOT mean I was suicidal??
It happened when I was so upset I dissociated. I did not know I had done it until I felt the blood dripping. It was as if it had happened to someone else and I was looking on. It is too hard to explain that type of dissociation and self-harm unless the other person has experienced it. The cut effectively brought me out of that dissociative state.
So, it is hard to go out and try to hide these things. I know from experience that I will probably be misunderstood and judged and I don’t feel strong enough to cope with that.
