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Tag Archives: health

back at last

I’ve been unable to find time to update because of my husband having major open heart surgery (aortic valve replacement). It was a very anxious time for both of us. He is now recovering well, much faster than I expected, but is starting to get bored at home all the time!

Meanwhile, I don’t know if I can describe what is happening with me. While D was in hospital I saw my stand-in pdoc as my usual one was away. He’s a nice guy and we get on well but the appointments are really only stop-gap ones with little covered. The past couple of weeks I’ve been seeing my usual pdoc and have had my meds “tweaked” each week as he tries to reduce the number of types of meds I’m taking while increasing the major ones.

I’m still not feeling good and I’m undecided what path to take to rectify that. During the past few sessions I’ve had the impression that my pdoc doesn’t really want me as a patient anymore. He seems more distant and just keeps repeating the same things to me. His advice is that I have to put all my troublesome feelings and emotions in a box, compartmentalise them, and basically ignore them. His message seems to be that I am more or less a miserable sod who also gets periods of depression and mania. The depression and mania should be under control by the meds so I need to consider all the other feelings as “normal” for me and accept them so that they don’t continue to overwhelm me with overlearned behaviour.

I’m finding this very hard to do.

I’m feeling paralysed; unable to function. If all the horrible emotions and thoughts I have are “just me” then where does that leave me? Is there any point in continuing therapy? Now I start to feel something and have to try to block it and put it back in the box. Because of this I am feeling disconnected with everything and often numb. I’m having great difficulty going anywhere because I’m having anxiety attacks and need to leave quickly and get home. At home all I want to do is sleep so that I don’t have to struggle with the emotions that I’m meant to be ignoring. I don’t know what to do and I feel like I have lost my one stable and safe place … my therapy session.

My gut feeling at the moment is to stop therapy as I feel like I’ve overstayed somewhere. Along with that I’d like to stop taking all my meds because I don’t want to see another pdoc for prescriptions and med checks. Also, if I’m just a miserable person what difference does it make if I still have depression or go into mania?

To make matters worse it is nearly December and I hate December. I hate hot weather, especially as my compression stockings and my meds make me sweat a lot and feel the heat more. I don’t like Christmas and dislike shopping in crowds for Christmas presents (there will be a lot of online shopping this year). I don’t like shopping centres at the best of times but December is the worst time.

What a non-positive post this has been! That is how I feel — not positive about anything :(

if it isn’t one treatment, it’s another

Today I started a lymphoedema treatment program as a day patient. I have to do this for 6 days a week for a month (how come everything is a month-long?) I have had lymphoedema of the legs for about a year and it hasn’t got better, hence the full-on treatment consisting of having my legs bandaged, a massage, laser treatment, the gym and the hydrotherapy pool. Not exactly fun but necessary. I was told it is a condition I have probably inherited (lucky me) and it has also been suggested that my bipolar is also inherited, so some ancestors have a lot to answer for!

Not sure how all this is going to affect my bipolar treatment and my depression. I feel it is one thing after another and I still have the possibility of ECT looming over me. I wish I could laugh about it all but life is not too funny right now.

new year

A bright and shiny new year?
Is this the year when my belief in pharmacotherapy and in psychotherapy will be fulfilled by stabilising my moods, especially the deep depression that is constantly with me?
The depression takes on different physical symptoms each day. Singly and in multiples they take my body on unwanted journeys. I feel like I am on a roller coaster, rising up knowing there is a fall on the other side, and then plunging downwards experiencing that stomach-left-behind feeling.
Most days I have a dull headache and I’m so tired that I have to sleep several hours on top of my 7 hours of nighttime sleep. Other times I sleep to escape from the despair. I feel “things” crawling on me and I see movements in my peripheral vision that are not there. Dissociation has become part of my usual day. Often it is the only way I think I survive.
I’ve not made any New Year resolutions as such. I will try to achieve the behaviours already on my list:

  1. Regularly take my medication
  2. Attend all therapy sessions
  3. Know when I need extra help (ie phone support, hospitalisation)
  4. Develop realistic thought patterns and avoid negative automatic thoughts
  5. Get enough sleep
  6. Eat healthy food and lose weight
  7. Exercise
  8. Find the confidence I have lost
  9. Cease to worry about others’ opinions
  10. Accept that I may have self-harm and suicidal thoughts but that I choose not to carry them out

Then, maybe, my year can become bright and shiny. I’m hoping.

mud-wrestling

That’s what life feels like. Slipping and sliding in deep, thick, sticky mud. Unable to stand up. Being face down in the ooze, unable to breath. Every small movement takes the greatest of efforts and, after a while, it becomes pointless to try.

Nothing is working out well.

My psychiatrist is fiddling with my meds in the hope of finding the combination that will break through this awful depression. I have been so far down recently that he has almost insisted on me going to hospital, but I have been refusing as I have other medical appointments I need to keep. Part of me would prefer to be in the controlled environment of a hospital though.

I found a black spot on one of my labradors last week. The vet removed it and the pathology tests showed it was a malignant melanoma. We are hoping that all the cells were removed and that there will be no metastases but there are no guarantees of course. If the cancer does recur he could have as little as six months to live. He is only six years and that is not old for a lab.

Then there is my leg problem, or I should say problems. Firstly, my knee is still giving me problems after having the meniscus cleaned up and the stress fracture. Now my other knee is causing me pain, probably due to limping on my bad leg for so long.

Second major problem is lymphoedema. A great problem to have!! I have always been predisposed to swollen ankles and fluid retention, however, this has dissipated with rest or a change in temperature. Recently the swelling has not gone away and I have apparently got lymphoedema in both legs. This cannot be cured.

The treatment is lovely (insert sarcastic tone). It consists of a one month program where I have to attend a hospital every day to have my legs bandaged in layers of cotton stocking, cotton padding and two layers of elastic bandage. Bear in mind the temperatures recently have been reaching 38 degrees Celsius so this will be really comfortable, won’t it. Along with the “mummy” wrapping (which, incidentally, means I cannot drive and walking will be difficult), I will be having special massage, time in the gym and time in a hydrotherapy pool. Following this I will have to wear heavy-duty compression stockings FOREVER.

I am so looking forward to this!!

Oh, and what is in the middle of all this? Christmas — not a great time of year for me at the best of times. If it didn’t offend others I would simply ignore the whole thing.

I am feeling like I can’t go on. I know that people will tell me that is the bipolar talking and that times will improve, but looking at my health issues and life issues I do not feel they will and I feel despair on top of my bp depression.

People around me love to remind me that “there are plenty worse off than you”. Yes that is a fact I cannot dispute and I do feel for those people. However, that does not detract from the fact that I am not coping with my life and knowing how many others are suffering worse situations does not help in any way.

My apologies for sounding selfish.

Sleep Apnea

Everyone who has BP knows that there are a number of things we all need to do to help ourselves remain stable. Such as getting enough sleep, having a healthy diet and maintaining our medication routine.

I recently found out that, although I was getting enough hours of sleep the quality was poor. During a stay in a psych hospital in January the nursing staff told me I had sleep apnea – something my husband hadn’t noticed as he goes to sleep first.

This led me to have a sleep study which showed I was having many periods of apnea during sleep. No wonder I had been waking up still feeling dopey! I had been blaming  the meds!!

I now use a CPAP machine to sleep with and, although I hated it at first, the results convinced me to stick with it. Now I wake up feeling refreshed and I find it much easier to get out of bed. Another point is that sleep apnea is known to affect levels of depression (as well as weight, diabetes and a whole list of other things) so it is worthwhile being checked for it and using CPAP if necessary.

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