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Category Archives: bipolar disorder

restless legs and benztropine

My pdoc agreed it is the Solian causing my restless legs and body agitation at night. He has prescribed benztropine (a med usually used for Parkinsons). So far, so good. No restless legs last night. Yay!

The bad news is that he definitely wants me to have ECT soon. I can’t have it in June because of lymphoedema treatment, but will probably have to have it after that :( This will mean cancelling a couple of important appointments to do with some work I do. I’m not very happy but will have to take his advice.

He lent me a video on Bipolar and peoples’ experiences for my husband to watch. He wants him to understand more about what it is like for me. He also suggested speaking to D but I’m not sure that is the best way to go. Will have to see what happens but at least the video was a good idea.

depression not lifting

I thought that I was coming good and that I would soon enter a “normal” stable state. I was wrong. I can’t seem to kick this depression and it is so painful and debilitating.
Although I keep a medication list and journal for my psychiatrist, he now wants me to add another dimension to my reporting: whether my depression is objective or subjective. This is because I have said that I feel some of my depression is due to life events that cannot be made better with medication.
So a time when I think that my depression has not been triggered by external events, it is more likely to be biologically based and therefore objective. When I think that my depression is caused by the situation I am in, the way I am reacting to my environment, or the thoughts I am having, then it is subjective. Sometimes there are elements of both.
The purpose of this is to see if my medications are working on the biological causes of bipolar disorder and to establish what direction psychotherapy sessions need to move in.
It is very hard for me to break my depression down this way because most of the time I am so full of negative thoughts and feelings I’m not sure what the cause is. But I’m going to try, even though my concentration levels are very low right now (it is taking me ages to write this entry). Not trying, and not finding a new direction from which to attack the depression, will mean having a trip to hospital for ECT. A path I do not wish to take.

If anyone has experience of ECT please leave a comment. I’m interested in the pros and cons.

undercurrents

My meds are not working too badly in that the bipolar is more or less under control. I’m not having mixed states as I was before. I’m glad about that, they are so exhausting for me and unpredictable for everyone else. No one knows if I’m up or down.

What I’m experiencing now is a depression that is associated with life issues rather than with the bipolar disorder. Yet this is far more than feeling a little blue or down. It is a depression that is as strong as a bipolar depression but different in expression, if that makes sense.

What is happening is what I call undercurrents of depression that burst through into waves. I can be carrying out daily tasks and seemingly coping when the depression that has been lurking beneath the surface comes crashing over me in a powerful wave. I go from doing something and coping to frozen and crying. I have no control over this. It takes me unawares and as such is almost worse than the depression that you can see all the time.

No one else but me knows it is there. People are expecting me to “be over the worst of this bout of bipolar depression” so they are not prepared for me to suddenly start crying. They don’t understand and their empathy has taken a battering lately. I don’t blame anyone. It is difficult to live with me, or anyone with an unstable mental disorder.

I’m still seeing my psychiatrist twice weekly and that is mostly what is stopping me from being totally overwhelmed by the waves of blackness. I could so easily decide to leave this world but I want to give him the chance to help me and for me to help myself. Please let me get through this.

PDoc Visits

Whenever I have a session with my psychiatrist I go in with two books. The first is a medication diary. I have a chart for each week listing all my meds and I mark off each day when I take them. At the bottom of the chart I have a row for hours of sleep on each day, my mood scale, and whether I am depressed, anxious or irritated.

My psychiatrist uses this to remind him about my meds without having to check through his notes and he writes down any changes he makes to the “cocktail”. He can also quickly see how much sleep I am getting and whether my mood is stable.

The second book is my journal. In this I write a daily account of happenings, activities, interactions, thoughts, feelings, poetry, mind maps … anything really. As I see my Dr often he only has a few pages to read through each time and it helps to direct the conversation for the session.

Heading Upwards

My depression is lifting since I’ve changed to Cymbalta. At long last! This bout of depression has lasted months and has been very debilitating. Too many days crying. Too many days of suicide ideation. Too many days when I couldn’t function and couldn’t leave the house.

Now I can see a weak light at the end of the dark tunnel of my despair. I have waded through the thick, black mud without drowning and I can feel my feet on solid ground.

I long for this to last because I’m so tired of feeling helpless and hopeless.

Seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow and he’ll be pleased that my mood is stabilising.

Hello world!

As you can see from my subtitle, I have bipolar disorder. I also have Borderline Personality Disorder.The idea of this blog is to add sporadic thoughts about living with bipolar and to also add my comments on life in general.

I don’t know how this will go. It could easily be incredibly boring to anyone but me. I’ll have to take that chance!

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