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Category Archives: bipolar disorder

can I cope with change?

There’s been a long delay in my blogging again, mainly caused by the swinging of moods, a merry-go-round of meds and the general see-sawing of life. As you can see I’m in the kiddies’ playground at the moment — some fun, some falling over in tears and a lot of stupid immaturity (at 55!). Read More »

hills and valleys, a trip with bipolar

Recently I’ve been switching between lows and highs within the one day. I’ve had Mixed State episodes a number of times where I can be hypomanic yet crying but this time I’m ultradian cycling. Ultradian cycling is where you experience multiple mood swings in one day. It is not officially recognised in the DSM-IV yet most psychiatrists acknowledge that it exists. In my case I’ve been depressed on waking, hypomanic by lunchtime, depressed in the afternoon and hypomanic again late at night. It is exhausting and it is interfering with my life so much. Read More »

my week with valdoxan

The week from hell!

My psych decided to risk the fact that Valdoxan might flip me into mania and gave me a sample pack to take for a week. He did a lot of further research before taking this step and, based on all the literature plus information from the pharmaceutical company, came to the conclusion that the risk of switching was minimal. I was happy to give it a go because it seemed like the pharmaceutical lifeline I’ve been looking for, so I grabbed the sample pack like my life depended on it and hoped, really hoped that it would kick me out of depression into the realms of normality again. Read More »

Valdoxan, circadian rhythms and good conversation

Yesterday was an interesting session with my pdoc. As usual we covered the “how was your week” question, sleep quality and meds. My mood has been up and down: High energy and enthusiasm one hour, depressed, crying and lethargic the next. Partly due to bipolar mood changes, partly due to environmental factors and my inner self. On the meds front my lithium dosage has been increased to 1250mg daily, lamotrigine to 275mg and the Zyprexa reduced to 7.5mg with the view to ceasing it. Meanwhile my pdoc is investigating the possible use of Valdoxan to see if it is suitable for me. He is mainly interested in whether or not it will cause me to “switch” (i.e. from depression into mania). Read More »

depression and frustration

I’m frustrated, really bloody frustrated!

Firstly because I’ve been horribly depressed since my flying-so-high-I’m-fantastic mania. Damn medication is not working and I’m so sick of trying to drag myself out of bed each day just to do nothing because my motivation level is at zero. My concentration is crap and my memory is stuffed; all I want to do is cry and hide away. I’m on auto-pilot when I have to do anything and my smiley face facade is in place so that I don’t drag others down. Feeling useless, hopeless and helpless. Whinge, whinge, moan, moan.

My second reason for being frustrated and even more depressed is that I weighed-in with my GP this morning (after a cry because she asked me how I am) and I have put on two kilos in two weeks :( I had been losing a steady two kilos at each weigh-in which was great after the massive weight gain on the evil (to me) Zyprexa but my psych re-prescibed Zyprexa after my manic episode and my fat cells obviously love the stuff. What a vicious circle I’m stuck in.

I can’t write more today. I know I should be exercising but I’m going to crawl back into bed and close my eyes to the despair I’m feeling. Psych appointment tomorrow.

There is a new poem on poetry two

my caring psychiatrist

Today I had my first post-manic, post-scheduling session with my psychiatrist. I was very apprehensive as my behaviour last week had been so bad and I really thought he might say that it would be better if he referred me to someone else. I’m also terribly depressed after my experience at the hospital and also because I’ve “crashed” badly after being so manic. Read More »

how to get scheduled

My crazy week got worse, much worse.

Yesterday I became severely hypomanic again just before another appointment with my psych. I could feel it coming on when I woke up and it gradually got worse. Sitting in the waiting room I was aware that the hypo was quickly becoming full-on. I was very agitated yet happy and I kept seeing spiders running under the chairs, which I found funny, as you do, but I still had a sense of being able to stay in control. Wrong! Read More »

my crazy week

OMG, what a week! I went into a really bad mixed affective state! Crazy, crazy, crazy bipolar woman.

One the first day I was flying high as a kite, the bouncing off the walls experience of hypomania. I remember that everything was hilariously funny and I was laughing at things that were probably only mildly amusing, if that. I was alone too, so no one was triggering my hilarity. I laughed until I was breathless and nearly vomiting. Next I was rushing around the house doing seven things at once (achieving nothing in the chaos) and swearing my head off. I’ve got nothing against swearing but I was spewing out vile phrases I’d never normally use and loudly expressing socially unacceptable views that I don’t even hold! I know what I was saying because while in this state (like something out of “The Exorcist”) I obviously thought it was very clever to write down all my thoughts … ?? … what, for the novel lurking inside me? Yeah right, some bestseller that would be full of my incoherent, psychotic, totally out of touch with reality, evil expulsions. Read More »

therapy issues

Mostly I think my psychiatrist is an ideal therapist. He is professional, has solid boundaries, has wide-ranging knowledge and can get to the core of a problem effectively. We have a good therapeutic relationship. However, there are times he really tries my patience! Read More »

a little blue blog post

So, the Rapture is now meant to happen in October! Was May 21 the pre-Rapture then? Whatever … I think I might be going down to the other place anyway. Sometimes I think I’m already halfway there, especially when I’m stuck inside my head. The inside of my head is a dark and messy place.

I shouldn’t be verbalising (writing) my feelings at all really. I feel like I have no right to feel so depressed. We have a family member who is gravely ill and in comparison my stupid bipolar is nothing. Yet I have no control over the course this illness takes except for that offered by the medications. I’m sure other BP people will understand what I mean when I say that you can acknowledge the plight of others, have empathy for others and wish you could do something to help, but you still can’t stop the BP from being there. It infiltrates everything. Read More »

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