The New Year is here; 2012 has landed. I never make New Year resolutions but I always have a wish for the year ahead and this year I want to have the stablest year I’ve had for a very long time. Wouldn’t that be wonderful!
The constant cycling I was having has been replaced by depression and anxiety. An increase in Lamictal and Zyprexa helped to stop the jumping from one mood to another that I was having each day but hasn’t balanced me. I just wish my mood would become neutral. No matter what I do to distract myself or to increase my wellbeing, ie keeping busy, getting enough sleep and exercise, eating healthily, the depression just sits there like a log in a swamp. I keep trying to lift my mood and to avoid bad thoughts yet I lie in bed at night thinking of suicide and hoping I don’t wake in the morning. Oh God how bloody dismal! I have no idea where this post is going but I hope I’m not going to have you click exit because of my boring gloominess.
The Christmas holidays sucked. They usually do (oh here we go, being such a miserable sod again). I don’t know why but Christmas has always been a bad time for me. Anyone would think I’ve had something terrible happen at Christmas, but I haven’t so it doesn’t make much sense. All I do on the day is spend time with my small family … we don’t have children so we don’t do anything Christmassy at home. Even with such a small family I get an attack of anxiety and I find it difficult to eat anything or carry on a conversation. This is my family for goodness sake so why the hell can’t I cope for one day of the year? Out of politeness I force myself to eat something and hope no one notices the small amount on my plate. It’s easy to avoid the nibblies and dessert because everyone knows I’m trying to lose weight.
On the home front we’ve had my mother staying with us. She usually stays for a couple of weeks at Christmas and sometimes during the rest of the year. This also raises my anxiety because she complains to me about my husband and he complains to me about her (for interfering mainly). I’m like the leftover Christmas ham in the sandwich! I’m so glad I have an appointment with my psychiatrist this Tuesday as I really need to talk.
Pre-Christmas there were the invitations to get-togethers which I really didn’t feel comfortable taking part in, so I only went to one. The social anxiety is debilitating and if I take an extra dose of Zyprexa, which my psychiatrist has prescribed prn, then I get too sleepy to socialise anyway. During this period of pre- and post- Christmas, everyone would say I was perfectly fine. I go to great lengths to keep my outward appearance as normal as possible while feeling depressed and suicidal within. After about 40 years of this I’m quite good at creating a facade and when it gets too much I plead tiredness, collapse into bed and hide.
I didn’t celebrate NYE. Parties are way too socially confronting. The thought of joining large crowds to watch the fireworks on the harbour is so unpleasant that I have never been. My main concern now is avoiding going to hospital because I’ve ended up in hospital in January for the past few years. I really don’t want to go but if I tell my psychiatrist how I’m feeling I know he has a duty of care to have me hospitalised. Note to self: how to talk about moods without saying anything that will bring about hospitalisation. Tricky.
Oh BTW an ultrasound showed that the lump seen on the mammogram (see earlier post) was just a swollen lymph node, yay! See, a positive sentence!!!!!
Recently I’ve been having a few symptoms that I put down to side-effects from one of the meds. I’ve had trouble with rapid blinking, not just a normal blink but ones where I have to screw up my eyes and nose tightly, and look like an idiot. It happens mostly when I eat (?? weird) but also when I drive (dangerous), I’ve had periods of double vision, clumsiness and cognitive problems including memory loss. My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI of the brain which came back normal … yes Virginia there was a brain. He said, “oh good because I was looking for demyelination or MS”. I said, “duh, yeah, I figured that out” (unleash the smartarse). But having ruled that out I still don’t know if it is the meds or not. I suspect Lamictal. Anyone else have weird reactions to Lamictal.
If you read this blog often or if you are a newcomer I apologise for the mess my categories and tags are in. I tried to sort them out and made them worse! I truly am a novice at this!!! I think that the font is too large and there are other design faults as well but I’m stuffed if I know how to change it! Yes, I could spend time learning but I’m having so many physical and mental problems plus cognitive dullness that I never get around to it. Maybe one day. Maybe, maybe.
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Hi – this is a comment /questions about your earlier posts. Sorry about that.
Would be grateful if you could direct me to any if your posts about effexor _ I have been on it since 2005 and I suspect that it may be behind the restless legs and swelling and knots in my calves . I do know what a horrible drug it is to come off along with many others. I’m currently trying to come off it by supplementing with 5 thp
( but taking care to avoid seratonin syndrome).
Are you still taking effexor and if not did stopping it impact on your restless legs?
Much appreciated and great you are sharing your experiences
Hi Lily, I’ll reply shortly
Hi Lily, Sorry for the delay. You can find my posts on Effexor by using the category list. One reference I found to Effexor and Restless Legs is on the RSL Foundation web site, question number 8
I’ve taken a few meds that triggered RSL, the worst being Solian (Amisulpride) but also one of my current meds Zyprexa (olanzapine). To counteract this problem I take 2mg of benztropine nightly and that works most of the time unless my legs get very hot. I also have lymphoedema in my legs which necessitates wearing quie thick compression stockings 24/7. These make my legs very hot.
I’m not taking Effexor any more because each time I’ve taken it I’ve flipped into hypomania/mania so it’s not a good med for me.
i like this seemingly mumble jumble
it tells me you are a very creative person
you know, I never realized I havea creative streak in me till my depression
and I sit at home all day and doodle…
hang on in there
do what you want. be what you want
NOch
I understand how you feel. I do hope and pray you can avoid a hospitalization this January if that is what you want and if that is what is best for you. I have no advice for you except ‘don’t give up’. Keep doing those things that you know are supposed to be helpful, keep on keeping on when you can. Get out even if NOT to socialize, just get out. That helps me a bit because I too find socializing exhausting and often fake enjoying myself. Although, then there are the times when I really do enjoy myself, but afterwards, oh afterwards, I am totally exhausted and it usually takes me three days to recover. It is a trade-off.