Recently I’ve been switching between lows and highs within the one day. I’ve had Mixed State episodes a number of times where I can be hypomanic yet crying but this time I’m ultradian cycling. Ultradian cycling is where you experience multiple mood swings in one day. It is not officially recognised in the DSM-IV yet most psychiatrists acknowledge that it exists. In my case I’ve been depressed on waking, hypomanic by lunchtime, depressed in the afternoon and hypomanic again late at night. It is exhausting and it is interfering with my life so much.

In my hypomanic states I’m making really poor decisions such as resigning impulsively from a voluntary job I enjoyed. I was having problems with the job because of a sudden lack of confidence, but also because of issues with other people involved in the operation. Then came the depression and I was upset about my decision. However I was unable to retract my resignation so will have to cope with the consequences. Also in my hypomanic episodes I’ve spent money I don’t have — small amounts rather than huge splurges of thousands, but only because I’m limited by the contents of my debit card. Even small amounts are indicative of me being hypomanic and in depression I then feel self-disgust that I have done this.

I’ve also been jumping from being irritable to total, but brief, episodes of rage. I’ve destroyed a number of possessions (eg a fairly expensive set of headphones that I couldn’t fold back into their case) and have felt great about doing it. Then later when the depression hit I realised what I’d done and felt so useless about not being able to control my mood. I simply don’t know where my head is at.

Because I’ve been flipping into a hypomanic state late at night i haven’t been sleeping well. My psych increased the Zyprexa to 8.5mg and that in itself upsets me (situational depression) because I’ve been losing weight on a lower dose (24kgs so far) but the increased dose is increasing my appetite and I’m finding it hard to maintain a steady weight loss. How I hate Zyprexa, even if it is good for me.

My brother-in-law died from prostate cancer last Thursday so my problems are miniscule. He had a terrible 12 mths of pain and towards the end the cancer had moved into his bones and liver. He has left behind a wife who loved him dearly, three children who had a wonderful relationship with their dad and eight young grandchildren. My husband is coping quite well but he is the type of man who keeps his emotions under control and hidden. The funeral is in a few days time and I hope that I can find the stability not to do something stupid and inappropriate. I’m seeing my psych the day before and I hope that will help me to behave like the average person instead of being at either end of the spectrum. I need to be there for my husband as well as being able to offer my support for the rest of the family. This is all I want right now, a day when I can be stable.