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can I cope with change?

There’s been a long delay in my blogging again, mainly caused by the swinging of moods, a merry-go-round of meds and the general see-sawing of life. As you can see I’m in the kiddies’ playground at the moment — some fun, some falling over in tears and a lot of stupid immaturity (at 55!). Read More »

Happy Stable New Year

The New Year is here; 2012 has landed. I never make New Year resolutions but I always have a wish for the year ahead and this year I want to have the stablest year I’ve had for a very long time. Wouldn’t that be wonderful!
The constant cycling I was having has been replaced by depression and anxiety. An increase in Lamictal and Zyprexa helped to stop the jumping from one mood to another that I was having each day but hasn’t balanced me. I just wish my mood would become neutral. No matter what I do to distract myself or to increase my wellbeing, ie keeping busy, getting enough sleep and exercise, eating healthily, the depression just sits there like a log in a swamp. I keep trying to lift my mood and to avoid bad thoughts yet I lie in bed at night thinking of suicide and hoping I don’t wake in the morning. Oh God how bloody dismal! I have no idea where this post is going but I hope I’m not going to have you click exit because of my boring gloominess. Read More »

hills and valleys, a trip with bipolar

Recently I’ve been switching between lows and highs within the one day. I’ve had Mixed State episodes a number of times where I can be hypomanic yet crying but this time I’m ultradian cycling. Ultradian cycling is where you experience multiple mood swings in one day. It is not officially recognised in the DSM-IV yet most psychiatrists acknowledge that it exists. In my case I’ve been depressed on waking, hypomanic by lunchtime, depressed in the afternoon and hypomanic again late at night. It is exhausting and it is interfering with my life so much. Read More »

stupid drivers and foolhardy pedestrians

I’ve been living recently with both depression and panic attacks but they’re not my friends, they’re my enemies. I have to fight them in order to function and gain some sort of normality in my life. The depression has been with me for a long time now, apart from one recent episode of full-on mania and time spent in a horrible mixed state, and it is proving to be hard to shift my mood. Because of this my psych has put me back on a low dose of Zoloft (sertraline). I feel slightly better after having taken it for a week and I’m hoping the improvement continues.

As for the panic attacks, Read More »

my week with valdoxan

The week from hell!

My psych decided to risk the fact that Valdoxan might flip me into mania and gave me a sample pack to take for a week. He did a lot of further research before taking this step and, based on all the literature plus information from the pharmaceutical company, came to the conclusion that the risk of switching was minimal. I was happy to give it a go because it seemed like the pharmaceutical lifeline I’ve been looking for, so I grabbed the sample pack like my life depended on it and hoped, really hoped that it would kick me out of depression into the realms of normality again. Read More »

another med I can’t have – Valdoxan

My psych has researched the possibility of prescribing Valdoxan, including speaking to the drug company. It seems that, like other medications, it could well make me switch into mania. How annoying and disappointing. However, he wants a second opinion and I’m seeing a colleague of his at the end of August. I really do not want to take anything that will bring on mania, particularly after my recent experience of being scheduled during an episode of mania. Don’t ever want to go through that again!! Read More »

Valdoxan, circadian rhythms and good conversation

Yesterday was an interesting session with my pdoc. As usual we covered the “how was your week” question, sleep quality and meds. My mood has been up and down: High energy and enthusiasm one hour, depressed, crying and lethargic the next. Partly due to bipolar mood changes, partly due to environmental factors and my inner self. On the meds front my lithium dosage has been increased to 1250mg daily, lamotrigine to 275mg and the Zyprexa reduced to 7.5mg with the view to ceasing it. Meanwhile my pdoc is investigating the possible use of Valdoxan to see if it is suitable for me. He is mainly interested in whether or not it will cause me to “switch” (i.e. from depression into mania). Read More »

depression and frustration

I’m frustrated, really bloody frustrated!

Firstly because I’ve been horribly depressed since my flying-so-high-I’m-fantastic mania. Damn medication is not working and I’m so sick of trying to drag myself out of bed each day just to do nothing because my motivation level is at zero. My concentration is crap and my memory is stuffed; all I want to do is cry and hide away. I’m on auto-pilot when I have to do anything and my smiley face facade is in place so that I don’t drag others down. Feeling useless, hopeless and helpless. Whinge, whinge, moan, moan.

My second reason for being frustrated and even more depressed is that I weighed-in with my GP this morning (after a cry because she asked me how I am) and I have put on two kilos in two weeks :( I had been losing a steady two kilos at each weigh-in which was great after the massive weight gain on the evil (to me) Zyprexa but my psych re-prescibed Zyprexa after my manic episode and my fat cells obviously love the stuff. What a vicious circle I’m stuck in.

I can’t write more today. I know I should be exercising but I’m going to crawl back into bed and close my eyes to the despair I’m feeling. Psych appointment tomorrow.

There is a new poem on poetry two

my caring psychiatrist

Today I had my first post-manic, post-scheduling session with my psychiatrist. I was very apprehensive as my behaviour last week had been so bad and I really thought he might say that it would be better if he referred me to someone else. I’m also terribly depressed after my experience at the hospital and also because I’ve “crashed” badly after being so manic. Read More »

how to get scheduled

My crazy week got worse, much worse.

Yesterday I became severely hypomanic again just before another appointment with my psych. I could feel it coming on when I woke up and it gradually got worse. Sitting in the waiting room I was aware that the hypo was quickly becoming full-on. I was very agitated yet happy and I kept seeing spiders running under the chairs, which I found funny, as you do, but I still had a sense of being able to stay in control. Wrong! Read More »

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